synonyms of letting go...

a·ban·don
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. See Synonyms at relinquish.
4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing hiker.
5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.

If one relinquishes something finally and completely, often because of weariness or discouragement, the correct word is abandon. (They were told to abandon all hope of being rescued.)

Sadly, this word I feel defines my life right now. Abandon ship. Abandon the effort. Abandon hope. It can't be true, that this is where I've arrived... but it feels that way.

There's another word...

sur·ren·der
1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
2. To give up in favor of another.
3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.

Eventually you get to the point where you're not fighting to hold on to things anymore. You surrender them because it's your only hope of receiving something better, and because it's the only thing you can do.

Things I believed in so much are disappearing into thin air...

Illusions. Maybe that's the word. Castles in the sand that I worked so hard to build, and were so beautiful... and now nothing I can say or do or build can keep them from washing away. Maybe instead of fighting the wave I just have to surrender to it and let it come... and when the water drains away and I can open my eyes again, seeing what's left...

Maybe there will be nothing.

:: “All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling”
– Blaise Pascal (mathematician, philosopher and physicist)

borrowed wisdom...

It's been a long week since last Tuesday. Cleaning out my inbox today I found this forgotten forward... I don't know who originally said it, but thanks Chris...

:: :: ::

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

:: :: ::

turning four...

One year bigger today...
:: :: :: ::
Happy Birthday
Adams!
:: :: :: ::

submergency...

Sometimes I wonder what percentage we really see of each other's lives, in our everyday friendships -- even in our closest relationships. There's so much we leave unspoken and unseen... and they are quite often the biggest things. A vision of icebergs comes to mind... all of us floating around in relative peace and passivity, rarely touching each other above water, but below... the 90% of our invisible selves constantly in jeopardy of exposure...

Every now and then we look deeper and we can see... just what lies beneath. Sometimes dark and disturbing... nearly always painful. The view of each other above the water is so much more pleasant. It consists of things we are comfortable seeing and know how to handle. But it isn't the whole picture. It isn't reality.

The closer we get the more we see... The more we see, the more we feel. And the more we feel, the less we know what to do. It would be easier to see less, but I ask you, how can we truly love someone when we know only 10% of who they are?

The more I glimpse the pain below the surfaces of the people I love (and we all have it), the more it hurts me. Maybe the real reason we don't look so hard and don't get too close is because we're afraid we'll see something we recognize too much -- something that reminds us of our own deepest hurts. Yet maybe our seeing, and our staying, is enough. Perhaps being willing to take on some of that confusion, uncomfortableness and painful familiarity somehow does help make it a little less to bear.. for both of us.

Bear one another's burdens...

hug the world...

This made me cry yesterday... Watch it and hug someone.

:: “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

coming home...

I had a fully swiss Saturday watching the cows come home...

We drove through the end of September fog to fresh green hillsides past the end of Lac Léman, and joined local villagers in their annual "Désalpe" celebration -- welcoming home their friends and neighbors who had been in the alps all summer with their animals...



Think all the storybook charm of "Heidi" and add a full dose of heartwarming tradition and you'll have the feeling of the day... Beaming farmers and tired families and cows magnificently crowned with flowers as queens of the day... The rhythmic clang of cowbells and creak of carts and children calling the goats... Alpine horns and all ages in costumes... Market stalls selling bread and sweet-smelling fruit concoctions... Wooden platters of cheese and meat savored at long tables... French and laughter and wine in plastic cups flowing freely...

A beautiful day in a beautiful world. We need reminders...

:: "All things on earth point home in old October; sailors to sea, travellers to walls and fences, hunters to field and hollow and the long voice of the hounds, the lover to the love he has forsaken." – Thomas Wolfe