11 tuesdays later...

I'm HOME... in my own room, in Switzerland, with a newborn week-old visa in my passport that immigration at the Geneva Airport didn't even bother looking at today...

After 17 strange beds I'll sleep in my own tonight -- although funnily enough, they swapped out my bed while I was gone so I haven't slept in this one before either.

And everything in between there and here is just too much to say...

:: "Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been." - Jerry Garcia

the sound of silence...

East Texas is very quiet. Quiet enough to hear the birds outside the window, and the wind in the trees, and people across the field... Quiet enough to hear all the questions in my head... And then there's the silence.

Sixty days and counting and I'm still wandering... and wondering. No answers. No news. Do not pass go, do not collect your visa...

I looked up the word "trust" the other day. It's a word we throw around a lot. Jack Bauer uses it too much on the show 24... "You just have to trust me..." "I need you to trust me on this one..." Does he have any idea what he's really asking?

One definition of Trust: "complete confidence in a person or plan".

That's a rather large statement. But there's more... Synonyms: faith, confidence, reliance, dependence -- "These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence. Faith connotes unquestioning, often emotionally charged belief. Confidence, frequently implies stronger grounds for assurance. Reliance connotes a confident and trustful commitment to another. Dependence suggests reliance on another to whom one is often subordinate."

Trust in the silent fog... Although strangely, silence isn't really silent... It just means you're not hearing the one thing you're listening for. On the ship I remember sailing nights when I would be woken up out of a dead sleep to the ominous sound of silence.... No engines, no generators... The absence of sound more disturbing than the sound...

My silence is crowded by questioning thoughts... And I wonder, how much does my doubt affect the outcome of my miracles? Can my disbelief actually make a difference in what is meant to be? How can you leave room for acceptance of any outcome while still having a pure enough faith to hope?

"Depth and assurance of feeling..." I'll risk hoping because there are some things I know for sure... even if occasionally I forget. I have to trust that His faithfulness is more powerful than my doubt.

:: “Often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.” - William James