once upon october...

Some people's new year starts in January... but my annual season of change has somehow become October -- in particular the 41st week of the year... A time when the leaves turn and the air grows cold, and I seem to do a lot of starting over...

:: four years ago: California USA, October 2001 ::
Last stop in the US on my way to a new life... An unknown sea leading to Africa... Did I know then it would be a voyage that would change my life? I think I did. I just didn't know how much. It has been the beginning of everything else...

:: two years ago: Germany, October 2003 ::
First days of a new job I never really wanted and completely didn't feel capable of... Why me? I think I wondered that before every Monday morning that year. But sometimes it's the things we dread the most that turn out to be the greatest blessings. And the experiences that don't actually kill us that make us that much stronger...

:: one year ago: Germany again, October 2004 ::
Last stop on the Exit Tour... Last night alone in the wee hours in the Photo Office... Wondering at how three years of ship life and work could come down to trying to organize a stack of papers and electronic files and a million untransferrable thoughts in my head... Bags packed and heart weary, I didn't want to leave but knew I couldn't stay... Time to go. Time to say goodbye... Time to start over.

:: present: Switzerland, October 2005 ::
I'm not coming or going today. Instead I'm wondering how I can go so many places in a year... and wind up right back where I started. I've been across the Atlantic and back three times, through 17 countries and states, and yet it seems I've gained little or no ground in the direction of my hopes and dreams for this year. The list of things I managed to accomplish in between transitions isn't nearly as long as I hoped it would be. Why does it feel like I'm back to starting over?

Where do we begin when we come to the end of ourselves? Perhaps back at our beginnings... Small and scared and standing in front of something a whole lot bigger than we are -- realizing we can't possibly do it alone.

And so I let go... and regroup... and tell myself that I'm an incurable idealist and perfectionist and I'm always harder on myself than I need to be... Maybe I'm finally learning that life is more about being than doing...

Tomorrow is another year...

:: "Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier." - Unknown